How to Overcome Shyness and Build Your Self-Confidence

Grab "5 Unexpected Ways to Get Happy"

Seriously, this is stuff you've never thought of.

Plus you'll get the insiders scoop to the next post!

Hiding under a bag is not going to work if you're shy

**All links are at the bottom of the post, footnote style**

Is Your Lack of Self Confidence Holding You Back?

Does it feel impossible to look someone in the eyes?

Are you comfortable texting but feel high anxiety when the phone rings?

Do you spend 20 minutes in the store looking for the multi-colored marshmallows because you’d die if you had to ask someone what shelf they’re on? (1)

I get it. I used to be you.

Except the texting part. For me it was not wanting to leave a voicemail on a newfangled thing called “answering machines.” (2)

Anyone remember those?

(Crickets chirping)

Okay, guess not.

Well, if your New Year’s Resolution is to get past your shyness, or it’s any day of the year and you’re ready to get past your shyness, read on. (3)

It's hard to look someone in the eyes when they are looking at you so intensely

“Why Don’t You Ever Look Me in the Eye?” He Asked

He was right. I always looked past his shoulder.

Dana was one of the first guys I had a crush on. He made me a nervous ninny.

I was fifteen.

We never kissed, but I sensed his interest in me, and I liked the attention.

I found it impossible to switch my gaze to his.

It was hard enough talking with him, much less adding in eye contact.

I remember him gently guiding my chin to face his. I squirmed. It was uncomfortable.

My eyes flit up, then back down, then up, then back down. Every time I saw those sweet blue eyes I felt like he could see right through me.

It was scary. But I kept trying.

Yep. That was the very beginning of my quest to be a confident, un-shy person.

Because life’s too short to be shy. I know what the fear of a shorter life feels like. If you’re curious, read about how I almost died on this other post. (4)

This post is about how I became a fun-lovin’, chatty, friend-a-licious, outgoing, handshakin’, fist-bumpin’, waving, smiling, hugging, high-fivin’ people lover.

Most people I know today would be shocked to know I was painfully shy.

I went from being a wallflower in my teens to being a nude artist’s model in my late twenties (Shhhh… don’t tell anyone, they might blush!).

If I can make that kind of change, so can you. It just takes practice.

What Is a Shy Person?

A shy person is someone who is nervous around others, afraid of speaking to others, or uncomfortable socializing with others.

A shy person lacks self confidence and has great bladder control because they are too afraid to ask where the bathroom is.

Bashful woman feels comfortable talking on the phone

Shy People Have a Lot to Offer

Let’s look at what’s great about being bashful.

Shy people are often careful thinkers and consider their actions before moving forward.

Sometimes shyness allows other people to trust you more.

Shy people are great listeners because they don’t feel comfortable being the one talking.

People LOVE good listeners; this makes you a hot-ticket item.

Shy people also tend to stick around for the people they manage to get close to.

Once they get past the challenges of getting to know someone, they often get to know people on a deeper level.

I have lifelong friends that I still talk with everyday because of the deep connections I made when I was shy.

Thank you, shyness!

So you see? Shyness can give you gifts that others don’t possess.

So give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up.

But, also be aware that…

It's hard to open up when we all have fears

But, Fear of People Can Make Some Things Harder

As you can guess, there is a downside to shyness too.

Other people have to work harder when engaging a shy person in conversation. They have to hold up both ends of the conversation and it takes energy to do so. Ugh.

Shy people miss out on some great opportunities because they know fewer people and are having fewer conversations.

It’s an especially bad case if they are only having conversations with their microwave.

Shy people are sometimes mistaken as rude.

That happened to my husband when he was younger. People thought he was aloof and full of himself. It wasn’t true at all, he was just shy and people read him the wrong way.

Hey there, chin up! There are ways to have the best of both worlds.

You can to learn how to UN-SHY yourself. Here are some tips.

What Is the Other Person Thinking or Feeling?

Start out by realizing that to be human is to be fearful; it’s in our biology. It’s passed along generation to generation, just like family heirloom Tupperware. (5)

Everyone has to deal with fear in their lives.

But what about successful people? Did they start out as insecure?

Yep.

Many people are still insecure even AFTER they became successful or famous or rich or Oprah.

They look confident on the outside, but they feel nervous on the inside at times.

Don’t believe it? Watch a year’s worth of Masterclass.

On Masterclass, there are dozens of famous people teaching amazing skills. A large percentage of them spill the beans about their timid interiors. (6)

The point is, you can be pretty sure that any person you are talking to has insecurities and concerns.

That gorgeous gal you want to talk to? She’s afraid too, in all kinds of ways.

How Can I Change? I Want to Stop Being So Shy

It takes practice, patience and a willingness to be uncomfortable at times.

Here is a good first step:

Ask a real human one question every day in person.

People working in retail environments are friendly

Start by approaching an employee of an establishment. The employees are there to serve you, they expect questions.

Try “Excuse me, where is the restroom please?”
Or “What is the most popular wrench set you sell here?”
Or “Does this come in red?”

It doesn’t matter if you already know the answer. And you don’t have to buy anything. The point is to practice.

Suck it up, open your mouth and start asking questions.

“My Cell Phone Is Out of Juice, Can You Please Tell Me the Time?”

Next step is to ask a question to someone who is not a store clerk.

You know, a regular person who is shopping near you, or walking down the street.

Asking what time it is is great because most people have cell phones, and you get a quick answer to a quick question.

Remember, try your best to look people in the eyes and smile when you ask them a question. And remember to thank them.

These Boots Were Made for Walkin’ (Away From Your Past Shy Self)

Do you know Nancy Sinatra’s song referred above? She had one sassy attitude. (7)

Let’s talk about putting yourself in someone elses shoes. It means you pretend to be them for a moment and feel or think like them.

When you are asking a question, you might think you are bothering a person.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, it’s not true. Think about it this way….Does it upset you if someone asks you for help?

Are you angry or feel bothered if someone asks YOU where the bathroom is?

Likely not. And THAT’S TRUE TOO for the person you are approaching.

Most people love feeling helpful, so don’t tell yourself you’re bothering someone. That’s poor logic and poor self-talk if that’s what you’re telling yourself.

When you ask someone for help, you are giving them an opportunity to feel awesome about helping you.

Getting the Hang of It? Now Do THIS Un-Shy Exercise

This one takes a little more gumption.

I have faith you can take it on after practicing some of the other techniques.

A great way to meet someone is in the grocery store

When in line at the grocery store, point to something in someone else’s basket and ask them a question about it.

“Oh, that lime burger looks interesting! Have you had it before?”

Let them talk about it.

If you have any other comments or questions about the lime burger, go for it.

If not, then just smile, nod and say ‘hmmm, interesting’ and then go back to staring at your own basket.

When it’s time to part, smile in their direction and say “Nice talking with you! Have a good day!”

If you make it to this level, way to go!

Make sure to celebrate with a happy dance in your car. You deserve it!

Operation Banish Shyness; An Advanced Question to Ask

“Would you like to dance?

I finally got around to asking this one.

I would go clubbing with friends and wanted to dance sooooooo badly and I rarely got asked.

I’m pretty sure it’s because I was so stunning that I scared all the guys away…hahahahaaaa. Not even close.

In reality, it was probably because I looked too busy nervously cleaning my fingernails.

“You must ask ONE person to dance before leaving.” I’d tell myself.

It was harder than getting my cousin Ted to stop picking his nose in public. Sometimes it happened. Sometimes it didn’t.

I was scared, but I was also stubborn about reaching my goal. You can get stubborn too. It works.

Make It a Game to Get From Skittish to Skillful

You can make any hard thing easier by turning it into a game.

Let’s say you find yourself in a conversation with a lovely person.

You need to look that cute guy or girl in the eyes. How long can you look?

Here’s the game: Count.

Can you get to one second? That’s a good start.

Can you work up to two seconds and then maybe three? It’s okay to blink. Keep going! You’re on a roll.

It’s easier if you smile when looking someone in the eyes it because it triggers happy hormones in your body.

Trust me, you won’t die. Reward yourself each time you hit a new goal.

How else can you make it a game?

Give yourself a reward at the end of the month if you hit a certain number of days you’ve gotten brave.

Count how many times have you talked with someone today and try to beat that number tomorrow.

Keep track. Make it fun.

In Case You Didn’t Know, Confidence Is SEXY!

Three times in my life I dated people that I wasn’t initially attracted to.

I was drawn to them because they impressed me as confident.

Even people with crooked teeth can be attractive

At the risk of sounding shallow, two of them were overweight and one of them had really crooked teeth.

Physically they were not my “type.”

They were so completely comfortable with who they were that it was magnetic.

All three were surprisingly flirty and fun; and that got me.

Here’s the interesting part; I learned later in conversation with one of them that they were faking it.

Woah. Stop the presses.

Faking confidence can work? Yes. Fake confidence can look like real confidence.

How to Fake It Till You Make It in the Confidence Game

Faking confidence is all about acting.

Choose someone you admire who is intelligent, confident, sassy, or sexy.

Imagine what that person might feel like when they talk to others. Notice how they interact with objects and people around them. Pay attention to their body language and their attitude.

Then put on your best actor’s hat and give it a try. Pretend you are that person while interacting with others.

Don’t try to imitate their voice or tell their stories, just borrow how they stand, how they walk, how they smile, how they look at other people when they’re talking, where their hands are, what their posture is like, etc.

Who should you pretend to be? It can be anyone real or fictitious.

Many fictitious movie characters are confident.

One movie that come’s to mind is the comedy “Mr. Right” with actor Sam Rockwell.

Both the lead male and lead female characters are fun, sexy, irreverent, carefree, and bold.

Ya can’t really tell this by watching the trailer though… you have to see the movie to understand what I’m talking about. (8)

Acting like a superhero makes you feel like a superhero

What other confident fictional heroes could you emulate?

How would it feel to ask “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” by borrowing from James Bond? Captain Picard? Muana? Han Solo? Sarah Conner? Inigo Montoya? Or Bugs Bunny?

There are lots of famous people to choose from too.

How would it feel to ask “Are there any good taco restaurants near here?” by borrowing fromTaylor Swift? Drake? Keith Urban? Elvis Presley? Lady Gaga? Dolly Parton? Or Justin Timberlake?

How would it feel to say “I enjoyed meeting you. Can we talk more by phone sometime?” by borrowing from RuPaul? Oprah? President Obama? Arnold Schwarzenegger? Johnny Depp? Ellen Degeneres? Or Jackie Chan?

You don’t need to brag or make up stories; being modest is a good quality. Just embody their brave spirit for a while until your confidence builds.

But Michelle, what happens when I get myself into a conversation? I won’t know what to talk about!

Your best bet is to be interested in the other person. There is a saying…

It's easier to make friends when you feel confident

Interesting People Are INTERESTED People

People love talking about themselves. Get brave enough to ask some questions, then let them do most of the talking.

If you stay curious and interested, they will think you are the most interesting person in the world. After all, you are shining the spotlight on them.

Wanna Learn More About Being Interesting?

I recommend reading SKILL WITH PEOPLE by Les Giblin. Les has a website that has a very affordable copy of this book. Or you can find it in many libraries. (9)

Another fun resource is a series of youtube videos from a company called Charisma On Command. (10)

I Have More Worries. What If I’m Wrong About Something or Say Something Stupid?

It’s okay to be wrong about something. People are wrong more often then they are right.

Most people admire someone who admits to a mistake when it’s appropriate.

If someone corrects you, just say “Wow, that’s interesting, I never knew that. I’ll have to look into it.”

Or “Thank you for letting me know.”

If you hurt someone’s feelings, apologize.

Annoyed or Irritated people are unhappy people

What If They Get Angry at Me? Or They Don’t Say Hello Back? Or They Ignore Me?

Realize it’s not about you.

They may have their mind on something else and not heard you.

They may be talking with someone on the phone through one of those fancy schmancy wifi ear thingies and didn’t hear you.

If someone is gruff or rude with you, shake it off.

It’s rarely about you. It usually means they’re having a sucky day and they are taking it out on the world around them.

Give them your blessing and move on.

Remember, one bad moment doesn’t mean it has to be a bad day or a bad year or a bad life.

It’s just a moment in time.

Let a choir of eight year olds run through your head singing… “Let it go! Let it go!” (11)

“Would You Like a Cup of Coffee with Your Cheesecake, Sir?”

Wanna lose your shyness really fast?

Get a job as a waiter. They are forced to talk with people.

Or get any job that requires interacting with people face to face, especially if it’s service, sales, or retail work.

You’ll be too busy answering questions about the two-for-one sale to feel shy.

You’ll come out of it a new person.

Give Yourself Permission to Do Something Bold

Remind yourself regularly of your strengths. This will help.

If you start to feel even more brave after practicing non-shyness, give yourself permission to really go for it. I did.

When I was 22, my girlfriends and I went to a bar. It was on a whim, so we were not dressed up to dazzle anyone. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and had no make-up on. You’ll get why I’m telling you this in a second. Read on.

We discovered they were having a modeling contest that night.

They’d play a dance song and call the next wanna-be model up on the stage.

Every gal that came out was dressed to impress. They had make-up and fancy pants hair-do’s. All of them were pretty, but they were very stiff and nervous.

“Why are they being so boring?” I said to my friends. “They need to dance and pose for the judges!” It was driving me nuts.

Then I remembered I was a relatively decent dancer. I had a flash of confidence and decided I’d show them how I thought it should be done.

Without thinking, I scribbled my name on the list. Madonna’s song “Vogue” came on as my name was called. (12)

I felt a pang of “What the h*ll did I just get myself into?” but I shook it off and told myself “Don’t think, just do it.”

So I danced my way onto the stage, stopping to strike a pose, then danced, and posed, and danced, and posed until it was done.

I felt a surge of elation!

My girlfriends were jumping and screaming and giving me hugs because I was the shy girl that just got crazy!

I felt high for the rest of the night.

Guess who won first place? Yep.

And it didn’t have anything to do with looks. It was because I exhibited confidence. This is what happens when you follow your intuition. (13)

I had been practicing non-shyness for a few years and had just enough gumption to manage it.

The prize was a year’s supply of nothin’. Actually, it was $30 off a photography session, which was dumb because you still had to spend cash to get it.

Still, it felt great to have spontaneously done something I would never had imagined I could do 5 years earlier!

The point is, if you’re feeling a whim, give yourself permission and let it fly. (And the second point is…you can change yourself if you really try and keep at it!)

That’s not me in the picture, by the way. You can tell because I would never do the splits with tennis shoes on.

But Did You Actually Go From Painfully Shy Person to Nude Artist’s Model, Michelle?

Yep. True dat.

This was in my 20’s.

I had a friend who was making pretty good side-job cash by modeling for college classes in the area.

She invited me to witness one of her sittings and I thought… H*ll, if SHE can do it, so can I!

I joined the model’s guild and a week later started making bank as a nude artists model.

I did it because I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t shy anymore, and because I needed money to buy a fresh toothbrush.

It’s actually not that hard being naked in front of artists, or so I found out. They are very respectful.

I also learned that artists like all body types. They like skinny people with bony ridges, big people with curves, and old people with saggy parts. Yay for artists!

It’s a great place to feel appreciated, no matter what you look like.

No more shy girl! Phew, I made it! And so can you!

Live Juicy, Joy Bird,