I Just Learned I’m a Bully! Are YOU?

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It Started With a Shouting Match

Him: “I TOLD YOU, I can GET the information IF WE NEED IT!”

Me: “WE NEED IT! SO DO IT!”

Door slam.

Well, actually, there was no door slam, but the tone of my voice was like a door slam.

I Was Worried; I Wanted to Feel in Control

Here’s what led up to it:

We needed some info for paperwork and he’d been dragging his feet. I worried the information was too old to find. I worried it would cause us to lose money. I worried it would fall on my lap to figure it out.

I would have done it early if it were my job, but it wasn’t.

I’m the kind that would rather be safe than sorry.

I keep track of all kinds of details and paperwork. This is sometimes a big time-waster. I talk about this in another post. (1)

I was angry because I knew he would have to make an effort to get the job done. And I knew he probably wouldn’t spend much time on it.

Because it’s not that important to him.

This Pushed a Bunch of Emotional Buttons

I had thoughts, like:

“Why do I have to feel stressed because he’s lazy?”

“We’re going to lose money because of him!”

“How irresponsible.”

“If he loves me, he should do it the way that makes me feel safe.”

I felt like a victim. (I’m such a crybaby sometimes. I gotta stop.)

My tone of voice said “You’re an idiot and I don’t approve.”

It ended in a huff and then it was over.

Self reflections brings out the best in us

Later, I had a series of thoughts about the conversation.

Ya know how things come to you in flashes when you’re washing the dishes, or your hair, or your cat?

Here Is the Slow Motion Play-By-Play of How I Figured Out I’m a Bully

Mental Flash One:

It occurred to me that we had tapped into three sensitive topics from my childhood:

1. Money Scarcity

As a child, I internalized that money was important. And it was scarce. And you need a lot of it to be happy. I’ve since changed my mind on that, but those money scarcity thoughts still pop up sometimes. (2)

2. Responsibility

As the oldest of seven, my parents groomed me to be responsible. If I had open-heart surgery, I’m convinced the docs would see “I’m a responsible person” tattooed on my heart.

3. Laziness

My over-tired and frustrated dad once had a blow up and accused me of being lazy. It wasn’t true, but I’ve been oversensitive to the idea of laziness ever since. (He later apologized.)

The paperwork argument pushed all three of these buttons. No wonder I was shouting at him with gale force winds.

THEN

Mental Flash Two:

I realized it wasn’t HIS issue at all, it was MY issue.

I was trying to force him to be something he’s not.

I said things that indicated I did not respect his decisions.

I shamed. I yelled. I cajoled. I did everything I could to give him the message that he handles his paperwork WRONG.

Different Strokes….Different Doesn’t Mean Wrong

In his world, his time is most important to him. If he missed a receipt here or there…meh….it didn’t matter that much.

The money loss wasn’t as important to him as the energy drain of keeping track of everything.

In my world that felt wrong. But it’s not wrong. It’s just different.

Then It Came to Me: Oh, No! I’m a Bully!

Yep…That was Mental Flash Three:

When looking at it from my own point of view I felt unsafe. I felt helpless. I felt I had the right to MAKE HIM DO what I wanted.

This is not the first time I felt frustration in a situation that was out of my control. (3)

In saner moments, I remember that I want joy in my life and I strive to make my relationship better, not worse. (4) (5)

When I thought about it from an outsider’s perspective; I’m definitely a bully!

I tried to force him to be like me.

Because I rock. And he doesn’t.

Or at least that was the message I sent him. Nice, huh?

Woah. That’s heavy.

Hey, wait a minute…I’m a nice lady.

I’m sweet, and loving, and generous and helpful. (And sexy and a pretty good baker…)

AND yet, at times, (as I learned)…I’m also a bully.

Oh man. That’s an awful thought. But I have to face it. It’s the truth.

I wonder if they have BA…Bullies Anonymous.

“Hi. My name is Michelle, and I’m a bully. No. You CAN’T have my phone number, sorry.” (ya know, I have no idea what the joke is here but every time I read it, I laugh, so it’s staying in.)

My husband is not the only one that gets this bull-doo-doo from me….I try to control lots of other people and situations.

I coerce others to be like me. To make them do things to help ME feel safe or validated.

“Mom, you have to stop smoking!” because I’ll feel safer having you on this planet longer (note…she HAS stopped smoking, but not because of my nagging).

“I’m going to give your company a bad review if you don’t let me return this item!” Never mind that I didn’t read the “non-returnable” fine print.

“Overcook my cheese again, and you’re outa here!” said to Speedy Gonzalez, my trusty microwave oven.

Wow.

So, it was time to educate myself.

I Learned That Adults Are Often Subtle Bullies

“Subtle bullies” sounds like an oxymoron, I know. Weird.

Sometimes bullying is obvious, like the time my abusive ex-boyfriend threw a toaster in my direction.

Or when immature people say nasty things about others online (politics, anyone?).

Sad.

But many times bullying is harder to pinpoint. It can be in the forms of manipulation, disrespect, or intimidation.

I’m pretty sure I’ve used disrespect and manipulation. Not so sure about intimidation.

I’m not very intimidating.

I make too many goofy faces to be intimidating.

In any case, I’m no longer interested in being a tyrant. I don’t want to domineer my husband (unless there is black leather underwear and a safe-word involved).

It’s a victim mentality and childhood angst that has turned me into a bully.

I want to feel safe.

I expect everyone else to get in line to make that happen.

As if that’s really possible.

Forms of Subtle Adult Bullying

This is a partial list for pushing someone around in not-so-obvious ways.

I’m embarrassed to say I’ve used many of these to “make my point” in a “discussion.”

Even saying nothing can sometimes be hurtful

Give it a read and see if you have done any of these:

Giving The Silent Treatment

Gaslighting: Making the other person question whats true. (For example, you make a statement and then later say “I never said that.”)

Spreading Lies

Physical Intimidation (Raising a fist)

Material Intimidation: Threatening to pull financial support, not to give needed information, etc.

Hostile Teasing

Constant Negative Judgement

Mimicking To Ridicule

Tuning Out (What the other person is saying)

Interrupting (Oh…man…this is ME!)

Blaming (Yes. Been there.)

Social Exclusion: Leaving someone out when you know it will be hurtful.

Dismissiveness (Eye rolling)

Shaming (Oof…I’ve done this one too)

Sarcasm (Me, again!)

Patronizing

Using Guilt (Some religions have been known to be bullies to their believers)

Belittling

Ignoring (Again, I do this too.)

Trivializing

Denying

Withholding Affection

Lecturing (Yep. I do it regularly. Bleh.)

There’s more, if you’re interested. I’d recommend reading a more exhaustive list with explanations on Healthline. It’s sobering. (6)

Special Note: Look that list over again…have you considered that you probably even bully yourself?

If you say nasty things to yourself about yourself, you are still being a bully.

Please don’t bully yourself. If you keep doing it, I might have to come punch you in the nose.

Wait. What? I take that back.

Non-Violent Communication

Years ago I read about a process called non-violent communication.

Those guys have it together.
Here is the official meaning:

“NVC focuses on effective strategies for meeting fundamental needs for all parties in a conversation”

Here, I found a fun video for you to watch that explains it:

When I’m not feeling threatened, (triggered), I DO tend to follow this form of communicating. (7)(8)

The trick is…to remember to use it when feeling uncomfortable or scared, or worried.

I will practice. I promise.

I don’t wish to be a ruffian anymore, to my husband, to myself, or to anyone else.

I’ve linked below to a few outside articles for more information about victim mentality and adult bullying if you’d like to explore more. (9) (10) (11)

Who’s with me in being a little nicer?

Live Juicy, Joybird!