Your Relationship: Advice That Will Change Your Life

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Relationships. Why Bother.

Okay, I”m kidding. It’s worth bothering over.

I promise.

A Relationship Can Get Stuck. Is It Time for Fresh Advice?

How do connect with a boyfriend, gender-fluid friend, wife, child, brother, or neighbor?

When the bond starts fading, people get hurt or feel abandoned. Here are some ideas for new approaches and perspectives for lasting relationships.

Woman Learns Unusual Solution to Relationship Problems

“I Want to Hurt My Husband.” A Love Story.

“I’m so angry. I want a divorce! And I want him to regret that he lost me.” Cheryl told her therapist.

There was a pause in the air. Then she told him all about it. How he’d lost interest in her, how he’d been ignoring her. How he talks rudely to her and more.

“I… have an idea for you,” he said.

“It’s an idea that will take several months. And it will take some work. But it will be very painful for him when you leave.”

“I’m all ears” she said.

“Okay, here it is, but it will feel counterintuitive, and you will have to do some good acting.”

She leaned forward. What was he going to tell her?

He went on, “Here it goes, I warn you, it won’t sound right.”

He took a breath.

Help Your Relationship with Great Advice from a Therapist

” “Give him lots of attention. Act as if he is the most important thing in your life. Do things for him, plan fun activities and tell him how much you admire him. And,’’ he looked straight at her, “point out all his good traits for the next three months.”

He sat back.

“What!? Why would I want to do that? He’s an *sshole!” she cried, “He ignores me, he’s rude, he’s never home. He loves his d*mn job more than he loves me. And he never touches me anymore! There’s no way I want to give him any pleasure!”

“Hear me out.” He said, “If he feels important and loved, he’ll be happy. Then, when you leave him, he’ll REALLY regret losing you and it will hurt big time.”

“Oh, I get it!” Wow, what great advice! Hah! I love it!” She grinned. “I can manage that for three months and use it against him.”

She did exactly what he told her to do. She gave him lots of attention. Gave him hugs and kisses. Made him feel important. Listened to his day. Complimented him on his achievements and more.

Can you guess what happened?

At the end of three months, she didn’t leave him.

Why? Because their relationship was better than it had ever been!

Reunited Husband and Wife after Relationship Challenge Goes Away

Even though she was faking it, her husband believed her love and attention and he started giving it back to her. She then felt the love she’d been missing and became a snap-happy-click-her-heals wife. Her whole life changed.

You saw that coming right?

The key advice in relationship building is… to start it yourself. Never wait for the other person.

Does it work?

Yes it can, unless you’ve married a sociopath or narcissist (which happens, believe me).

I know what you’re thinking…”Why do I have to be the one to make the effort?” Because you care. Now stop whining.

By the way, If you are ALWAYS the one to make an effort, and see no reciprocation, it’s time to rethink the relationship.

Relationship Advice #1: Mirror Behavior. Whatcha Waiting For?

You’ve heard the expression, you get what you deserve? Well, that’s kinda the point.

You display the behavior you want to attract in your life and you get it mirrored back to you eventually.

So that’s the big picture.

But what about the details?  

Relationship Advice #2: I Speaka Your Language, Baby

When I was a kidlet, my Momma did a lot for me.

She made me forts and halloween costumes. She helped me with my homework, and cleaning my room. She helped me any way she could from the time I was a wee laddess. Is that a word?

It’s no mystery that my main love language is “gifts of service.” Momma showed (and still shows) her love for me by gifting me her energy.

What is a love language?

I’m not talkin’ about taking courses in one of the Romantic Languages like French or Italian. Those are sexy languages, but not love languages. When I speak frahn-say, I mentally transform into a breathy belle in a Parisian cafe, ordering a steamy cuppa love.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about universal love languages; five in fact.

This comes from a book by Dr. Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages.” (1)

Son is taught acts-of-service love language by father who combs his hair

He describes five distinct ways we express love to each other. Let’s look at them in short:

1. Acts of service

My guy bringing me tea.
My guy smogging my car for me.
My guy sticking a flashlight in my mouth to see “that thing” in my throat.

A Dad shares quality time with his toddler

2. Quality time

My friend and I eating dinner together.
My friend and I going on hikes together.
My friend and I sitting with coffee and debating whether turquoise and teal are the same color (they’re not).

3. Words of affirmation

“I love you!”
“I’m proud of you”
“That was a great decision you made”
“Chug-a-luga-choo-choo is a great name for your car, honey!”

Receiving gifts is a popular love language

4. Receiving gifts

Anything you can wrap, stick a bow on, or send, is a gift.

Anything else you give that makes dollars disappear from your bank account is also a gift.

Physical touch is a good way to communicate love

5. Physical touch

Holding hands.Hugging, kissing. Squeezing an arm. Patting a back. Bumping fists.

These are all physical ways of saying I care, I like you, I love you.

And yes, sex falls into this category too.

Unless it’s phone sex.

But if it starts with a call and ends in a groping session, then you’re using the “physical touch” love language.

These things can get a little tricky.

Since we’re on the subject, try this. Call your gal on the phone next time you’re in bed together and tell her you’d like to have phone sex. See how that goes.

Teehee.

Okay, I got off track. Let’s keep going.

Sisters spend quality time together for a better relationship

Discover Your Other’s Love Language

Most people have a blend of these five languages, but they often have one that is most meaningful to them.

For myself, as I mentioned, it’s “Acts of Service,” and for my husband, I’ve learned, it’s “Quality Time.”

We like the other languages too, expect getting or giving gifts. Neither one of us are big on that language.

Watch the man express his love language by giving flowers

How Do You Know Which Love Language Someone Has?

Pay attention to how the other person shows their love to you and others.

Everyone naturally uses their favorite love languages around people they like.

Take notes. Do they compliment you a lot? Touch you a lot? Give you little gifts? Big gifts? Do they do things for you that they don’t have to do, like running your errands and calling in sick for you? Do they suggest outings together and one-on-one time?

Want to learn more about love languages? Take the quiz that Dr. Chapman has on his website, and read his book. (1) 

Take note of how others express their affection

Which Love Language Should You Use to Pump Up Your Relationship?

Think about it this way. You speak English and your friend speaks Chinese. If you speak English to them, they won’t understand you. If you learn how to speak Chinese, you can connect.

It’s the same with the love languages.

Use THEIR favorite love language, not your own.

Example:

You know you love getting and giving things. You speak “Giving Gifts.”

You figure out that they love like using words that make people feel good. They speak “Words of Affirmation”.

So, should you give them a gift?

Sure. But ALSO give them LOTS of affirmations if you want them get your message and feel great.

That’s what’s gonna light their fire.

Relationship Advice #3: What Is Your Operating Type?

When we got engaged, I told my guy we would be doing a couples retreat before hitching our asses to the same wagon. Yeehaw.

He looked at me, like, “Are you kidding me?” and then reluctantly agreed.

(He now says it was a very rewarding experience).

We signed on with The Couples Center in San Francisco, run by Gal Szekely and Liron Cohen. They are psychologists and married to each other. (2)

At the retreat, my husband and I learned a ton. He learned why I eat my sandwich crust first. I learned he prefers that I fart in the kitchen over farting in the bedroom. I mean eating…he prefers that I eat in the kitchen and fart in the…wait…I mean…well, never mind.

In truth, The Couples Center focused on more important challenges.

One of the most helpful things we learned was the concept of Connection vs. Individuation.

In Relationships, Are You a Connector? Or an Individuater?

There’s no such word as “Individuater.” I made that up. I thought about Individu-gator, ‘cause I thought it sounded cool. But I thought better of it.

No worries, people make sh*t up all the time. Let’s talk about the concept.

Healthy humans need to relate with others, and also need to feel like an individual.

Each person has a natural tendency to lean one direction or another.

Connectors spend a lot of time with others

“Connectors” are people who are great at reaching out to those around them.

A healthy “connector” creates attachment by staying in touch with others.

An extreme “connector” can be clingy and overbearing energy vampires. Ooh, scary!

“Individuators” are happy shaping their own lives. They are good at holding personal space for themselves.

Healthy “individuaters” are happy growing as unique people. They cultivate their own opinions and life experiences. They love sharing their insights and interests when interacting with others.

Unhealthy “individuaters” become isolated hermits, unattached and uninterested in others around them.

You are on a sliding scale somewhere between the two extremes.

If you lean too heavily on the downside, it hurts your relationship. And your hips.

How can I make up for leaning too much on the unhealthy side?

Do you think you are on the unhealthy side of connection or individuality? Don’t worry, you can compensate for it. It’s gonna feel uncomfortable.

That’s okay, because a healthy you and a healthy relationship are both worth it.

Having Hobbies Like Photography is Healthy for Relationships

If you’re clingy

When you spend every moment with your loved one, you suffocate the relationship. Work on cultivating personal hobbies and make space in your life to do things on your own.

Take yourself out to lunch.

Read a book in a park.

Start a side business.

Get a hobby like building kites or collecting cat whiskers. Don’t invite anyone to do these things with you. Do them alone.

Make friends with yourself.

You will be more confident and attractive to others because you will have things to talk about. Your friends, family and lovers enjoy interacting with you when you share your own experiences.

Good relationship skills bring people together

If you’re a hermit

If you recognize that you a big-time loner, you need to practice reaching out to others more often.

Stop what you’ve got your head buried in and notice, connect and interact with those around you. Set a timer.

Make dates and keep them.

When you’re with others, ask them questions about themselves. Share some of who you are too while absorbing the perspectives of others.

While you’re at it, practice a little affection.

A hearty slap or pat on the back, a squeeze of the arm or hand, a kiss on the cheek.

A lap sit.

A hair tousle.

A fist bump.

A side hug, a front hug. A sexy hug if they are your lover.

Make an effort.

If you spend too much time on your own, your attachments will unravel and dissolve. Don’t let that happen.

My husband and I lean toward individuation; it makes us feel we are like “roommates” at times.

Since our couples retreat, we make more efforts to come out of our own shells and connect. We make plans, talk, eat, and share our day.

Our lives feel richer, and we’re still crazy-happy-drunk in love. Or maybe just drunk; it feels about the same.

Relationship Advice #4: Ho’oponopono Whata Whata?

There is an ancient Hawaiian practice that helps heal a relationship when it’s rocky or stressed.

It’s called the ho’oponopono healing process. The word means “correction with care,” or “to put in order for goodness” or “dry clean only.”

The idea is that we make big and small errors all the time. When we make these errors, we create a sort of sickness in our relationships. The relationship has a cold.

We heal the sickness by clearing the air and asking forgiveness.

This concept is a gift from you to your relationship.

Here is how it’s done. You stand in front of your loved one and say:

“I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me.”

It will seem counter-intuitive if you feel you’ve done nothing wrong. But clearing the air opens the door for frank talk. Everything feels fresh afterwards.

Why should I say I’m sorry if I’ve done nothing wrong?

It’s not a competition to see who is right and who is wrong.

Maybe you’re just “sorry” that there is tension in the air.

Maybe you say ‘forgive me’ even if you’ve done nothing wrong so that the other person thinks you’re awesome. Maybe you’re a bigger, better person. Whatever. Just do try it out once and see the magical results.

The act of forgiveness is the act of laying down tension, it’s not about right and wrong.

How Ho’oponopono Affects My Own Relationship

I loved the idea of Ho’ oponopono, so I looked for an opportunity to use it with my husband.

In the third month of Covid 2020 we had a friend over for a meal (social distancing of course, in the back yard).

We were in the middle of making dinner and trying to manage all the ins and outs of cooking + sterilizing.

I was really nervous and micro-managed my husbands progress in the kitchen.

Recognizing the tension, I walked up to my man and touched his arm saying “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

His face softened and I felt softer too. He also looked a little confused.

A few tears started down my cheek and these unrehearsed words came out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry I’m needing this to be so safe. I’m scared and I realize this is putting pressure on our relationship. I know you’re doing your best. Please forgive me for making it stressful.”

He gave me a hug and said “there’s no reason to be sorry. I love you too and we’ll get through this. Let’s try to have a good time.”

And that was it.

We both felt lighter after clearing the air and having that moment of intimacy. We were able to work together to enjoy our friend’s visit.

I’ve since used the phrase on other occasions and am so surprised by the love and acceptance we both feel. It’s freeing.

Try it sometime. You don’t have to have any reason at all to say it.

We always make life a little hard on those around us, because let’s face it…human beings are difficult.

Except for me. I’ve decided I’m no longer difficult. I’ve crowned myself as a princess who is perfect all the time, especially when I wear my long ballroom gown and tiara.

The rest of you are human.

So asking for forgiveness is a very good regular practice for feeling connected.  

Choose your favorite piece of advice and move forward.

Remember to stay aware and be willing.

Live Juicy, Joybird!